Husband Hunters Page 15

  The air had an electric tang to it, and Matt shivered. The temperature must have dropped at least ten degrees, and it felt like that downward spiral would continue.

  Matt broke into a little jog and took the same turn Cody had taken moments ago into the woods. The first thing he saw was a sign warning to be mindful of the presence of cougars and bears. Matt was sure the bears the sign referred to were not the type he once had a few beers with at the Diesel bar on Capitol Hill. Although both bears were man-eaters, he knew the ones he might come into contact with here, in this neck of the woods, could be lethal. These bears, instead of providing a happy ending, as their human counterparts were likely to do, had the potential to simply provide an ending.

  Matt shuddered.

  Where was Cody?

  The woods, even with the storm-darkening clouds, were a good two shades darker than being out in the open air. There was a dusky quality to the light beneath the canopy of trees. The shadows within were deeper, and the trees and vines, gathered so close together, appeared almost spectral. Matt thought of the woods in The Wizard of Oz and wondered if it would be bad form to chant “Lions, and tigers, and bears…oh my!” He snorted out a brief burst of laughter at the thought and looked behind him to see if the cameraman had followed him into the forest.

  He had. Tre motioned for him to turn back around and, Matt presumed, not look into the camera’s lens.

  Matt realized that, until just then, he had completely forgotten Tre’s presence behind him.

  Cody had vanished pretty quickly, but the trail was fairly linear, so Matt didn’t think he had lost him. At least not in the literal sense. Metaphorically was a whole ‘nother ballgame. Matt quickened his pace.

  Thunder rumbled distantly, like the growl of some giant beast. Matt couldn’t help it; he turned around and asked, “What happens if it storms?”

  “Depends on how bad it is. Turn around! Pretend I’m not here.” Tre sounded annoyed.

  “Easier said than done, buddy, easier said than done,” Matt mumbled under his breath. Keeping an eye out for cougars and bears (of the four-legged variety), he trudged farther into the woods and was at last rewarded with a glimpse of Cody about the length of a football field ahead. The guy could move.

  “Cody! Wait up.”

  Cody continued his pace and didn’t look back. Matt shook his head, hoping Cody’s reason for ignoring him had more to do with not hearing than outrage or hurt, and called after him again. “Just stop!” He put the full force of his lungs behind that one, using the voice he reserved for only the most out-of-control situations in his classroom. One thing they didn’t tell you in your training to be a teacher, Matt thought, was that having a loud, commanding voice was one of the primary job requirements.

  Cody must have heard him because he stopped in his tracks. It was such a sudden halt, Matt almost imagined him raising his arms over his head. He wished he would. Then they could play the game where Matt would pat him down for weapons.

  Matt hurried to catch up. When he was just a couple of feet behind him, he said, “Cody? Can’t you at least look at me? Aren’t you gonna turn around?”

  But he didn’t turn. He stood, continuing to face away. His shoulders and back were stiff, tense. Matt could see, even from behind, Cody was breathing hard.

  “Cody?” Matt said more softly. There was another rumble of thunder. It was still distant but sounded closer than the last. A flash of heat lightning lit the forest with dull, bluish light.

  He reached a hand out and laid it on Cody’s shoulder. Matt really did feel bad. This wasn’t Cody’s fault. This was just a royal fuck-up, one Matt had been an all-too-willing participant in. Why? With the demented dream that Cody would love him if he withheld his affection and then suddenly gave it back?

  Why had he allowed himself to believe such a thing was even possible?

  He squeezed Cody’s shoulder, gently massaging. He was glad Cody wasn’t shrugging his hand away. Matt knew why he had gone along with the plan. In fact, he could sum it up in one word—hope.

  Hope that someone will love us is a funny thing. And who among us cannot claim to have done something fool-headed in pursuit of the dream of having someone love us? It’s only human, so cut yourself a break.

  And cut Cody one too.

  “Man? You wanna talk to me? Huh?” Matt said softly and then, a little louder, “Please. Just turn around. Look me in the eye.”

  Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tre moving around, the camera obscuring the upper part of his face. Matt thought he was probably getting different angles. Fuck him. Matt wished Tre would go away. If a torrential downpour was what it would take to make that happen, well then, bring it on, Mother Nature!

  Cody turned around slowly. Matt was stunned to see his eyes were red-rimmed.

  “Have you been crying?” Matt asked.

  Cody laughed, for a moment his old buddy again. “No. Must be allergies acting up out here in the wilderness.”

  “Cody, you never mentioned you had allergies.”

  “I don’t.” He grinned, but it was a sad grin. He threw up his hands in defeat. “So sue me. I cried. A little.”

  “Why? I just thought you were mad at the whole situation.”

  “I am mad! Oh, you’re not getting off the hook that easily! You went along with this asinine plan?”

  Matt nodded.

  Cody shook his head, regarding Matt with disdain. “But yeah, I’m sad too, because you and I used to be so close, and suddenly we aren’t anymore and I don’t know why. I keep wracking my brain for a reason. Have I said something? Done something? I know I didn’t, so I still can’t come up with anything.” He looked pointedly at Matt. “You want to tell me why you pulled away?”

  There’s the rub, Matt thought. Should he tell him it was all part of the master plan of the show? But that wasn’t really the reason. It was more like a symptom. The real reason, and this seemed ironic to say about someone you felt you were in love with, was the fact that he was in love with Cody. He needed to protect himself if he wasn’t going to get what he wanted and needed.

  If that was selfish, then so be it. We cannot control what our hearts tell us.

  “I don’t know, man. You seemed to pull away from me.”

  “What?”

  “Yeah. Even before this whole TV thing started, you weren’t really there for me. Not so much. We’d go out; you’d find another guy and leave me behind.”

  “Oh, poor Matt! I know you didn’t exactly go home alone many of those nights yourself.”

  Matt was oddly pleased that that was Cody’s perception. At least he didn’t pity him. But the fact was, he did go home alone most of those nights. And he whacked off thinking of Cody…

  But he couldn’t tell him that.

  “So what?” Cody asked. “We always talked about the law of the jungle.”

  Matt sucked in a breath. “But the fact of the matter was, we were always together, you and me. And even if you did get lucky, I was the person you always called the next morning.” He laughed. “More often than not, to complain about Mr. Wrong, who had just left.” He shrugged. “And then we’d make plans to go out for lunch or take a hike at Discovery Park. It was always you and me.”

  Cody stared hard at Matt. “Yeah. What happened to that?”

  Matt sighed. A heavy drop of rainwater landed on the top of his head, icy cold. Then another. And another. In moments, the forest was hissing with the sound of a downpour.

  Tre groaned behind them. Matt turned to look and saw the guy hightailing it along the trail, back from where they had come. As he ran, he mouthed some words to Matt that looked like, “I’m so sorry.” He guessed expensive camera equipment did not take kindly to water. Or lightning. A flash of the stuff lit up the sky over their heads. Thunder boomed.

  Cody didn’t move, as though he didn’t even notice they were getting drenched. The rain came down so hard and fast their clothes clung to them and water poured down their faces. Cody simply stared at Mat
t, waiting, Matt supposed, for an answer.

  The moment of truth had come. This was no time to hedge, to try and make up excuses that might suit the purposes of reality TV. Sometimes in life, Matt thought, the time comes when we’re backed against a wall and there’s no alternative ahead other than simply telling the truth.

  “Can we get out of the rain?” Matt asked, spitting some of the stuff from his mouth.

  Cody ran a hand through his rain-soaked dark hair. “We could. But then we’d be back with the crew. And Martha. And Wally. I sense that you need to tell me something, maybe the truth. Am I wrong?”

  Matt sighed, weary of the deception. This was not only his best friend; it was the man he loved. He owed it to him to be honest. Maybe, if things didn’t work out after he uttered the words his heart was aching to release, he could be kindly struck by lightning immediately afterward, saving him embarrassment and the pain of unrequited love.

  Anyway, he felt he no longer had a choice, so he said the words that had been life-altering for pairs of people since the dawn of time, for better or worse. “I love you.”

  Cody smiled, and even with the rainwater and the confusion and hurt obscuring his face, there was warmth and kindness in the smile. “Well, I love you too.”

  Oh, how Matt had longed to hear those words! But he didn’t want to go right to falling into Cody’s arms, because he knew there was room here for misunderstanding. Cody might very well think Matt meant he loved him as a best friend (and he did) or like a brother (which he most decidedly did not—that would be incestuous!). And Cody might have been telling Matt only that he loved Matt as a friend. That was a good thing and something no one should turn away from. But as much as there was comfort in that kind of love, it was not what he wanted. It was like getting a cracker when you wanted a big piece of devil’s food cake with an inch of rich chocolate frosting.

  He had to be sure.

  “No. I mean I love you. I want to be with you.”

  Cody did then what Matt had feared. He laughed. Again, there was kindness in the laugh. It was not the stuff of ridicule. He was not making fun of him. Cody said softly, “You love me, like, how?”

  “Like this.” Matt’s heart was pounding, and his hands trembled, but he forced himself to lean forward and kiss Cody, hard, on the mouth. To ensure Cody made no mistake about his love, he pried open Cody’s lips with his tongue and allowed it to slither inside to explore the hot-in-contrast cavity. Matt thought if this kiss was all he got out of it, it would be enough. He pulled Cody’s wet yet warm body close, running his hands up and down his back while he kissed him, squeezing his ass. He had not known how much and how long he had been starved for this very connection. This might be his only chance, and he was going to make the most of it.

  Cody pulled away at last. Matt could take some small comfort in the fact that the kiss had lasted, for minutes maybe, and that Cody had kissed back. He had responded in a way Matt had only dreamed of.

  Then Cody took a step back, eyeing Matt with wide eyes. He did something that made Matt shudder: he wiped his mouth with his hand. “Dude,” he said, voice barely audible above the downpour and occasional claps of thunder. “What are you doing? That’s not us. I love you, yes.” He paused. “But as my best friend.”

  He looked away, and Matt could see the most horrible thing, something he could only interpret as pity. Cody did not want to hurt him.

  “But, sweetie, you and me, we’ve been friends for so long.” He smiled. “There’s kind of a statute of limitations for the kind of love you want. You know?”

  Matt didn’t know.

  “Like when we first met, if things had gone that way, towards romance or even hooking up, who knows? Maybe we’d be a couple right now. You’re a great guy.”

  Oh, please don’t smile at me like that! Like I’m a child or someone worthy of your deepest sympathy. Matt tried to nod but found he could barely move. He thought of an old Bonnie Raitt song that used to make him so sad—and did right now. “I Can’t Make You Love Me.”

  “I really do care for you. And you’re the best buddy I ever had. I always want you in my life. But it just seems weird to think of you as a, uh, lover.” Cody laughed. Matt felt a knife stab his heart.

  “Okay,” Matt whispered. “I get it.” He blew out a big breath. “We should go back before they come hunting for us. Or before a bear eats us. Or lightning strikes us.”

  Matt turned without waiting for a response and started trudging along the trail, thinking any of those things would be preferable, right now, to going on with this weekend and the shame, humiliation, and disappointment cutting deeply into him.

  Is this what a broken heart feels like?

  Chapter 13

  Cody trudged along behind Matt, the rain making him shiver. He didn’t know what to say, and maybe the best route right now was not to say anything. It was obvious Matt was hurting.

  He hated that he was the cause of Matt’s pain. But he’d never had any idea Matt had feelings for him—not those kind, anyway. Sure, there was that drunken kiss, once, but that was the alcohol talking—or kissing. Wasn’t it?

  To Cody’s way of thinking, there were rigid borders to relationships. You were someone’s son, someone’s brother, a mentor maybe, a good friend, a boyfriend. Once the die was cast for one of those roles, either by blood or circumstance, it was almost impossible to go back and change it.

  So why did Matt feel as he did about Cody? Why hadn’t he somehow gotten the note about friends not becoming lovers, not in real life, anyway? The idea seemed absurd.

  Yet there was Matt ahead of him, head down, looking deflated, as though all the life had been sucked out of him.

  What could Cody do? He couldn’t pretend to feel something he didn’t. He couldn’t offer Matt hope where there was none. Could he?

  He hurried to walk alongside Matt. “Don’t feel bad.”

  Matt looked over at him, and Cody almost wanted to laugh. That sure wasn’t love in his eyes. That was hatred.

  They were on the road back to the cabin now. It would be wonderful, despite everything, to get back inside. Cody was freezing, and the prospect of heat and towels and dry clothes were things he could not help looking forward to. He put a hand on Matt’s shoulder. Matt shrugged it away.

  How would they ever get through this weekend? What had Martha told him at the start of this crazy journey? Fake it ‘til you make it.

  Cody said, “Remember TJ?”

  Matt stopped in his tracks. “Seriously? You’re gonna talk to me about your past conquests now?”

  He resumed walking, faster now, and Cody had to hurry to catch up. “C’mon, don’t be that way, Matt. I wanted to make a point. TJ was a hot guy.”

  Matt rolled his eyes. “How nice for you.”

  “My point is, TJ and I were fuck buddies.”

  “Yeah, I know. You told me all about it in great and laborious detail. I don’t think I need a refresher.”

  “Hey, I thought you wanted to hear. You’re the one always prodding for details. But the point is, nothing ever came of that. Hot as the sex was, I had nothing else going on with that guy. It fizzled out.”

  “I’m so very sorry,” Matt said.

  “You’re missing the point, buddy.”

  “Will you quit calling me buddy?”

  “You’re missing the point, honey.”

  That appellation at least elicited a small laugh from Matt. “So what’s the point?”

  “The point is I didn’t love TJ. Hell, I didn’t even like TJ.”

  “And yet you slept with him how many times?”

  Cody snorted. “I lost count. But he was just physical; it works that way sometimes. And sometimes you can love someone and it’s not physical, but maybe it’s better, deeper. The point is you are my enduring relationship. You are the person I think about first when I wake up in the morning. You are the person whose opinion I value you most. You are the guy I think about vacationing with. There’s no one I would trust the new lo
ve of my life with more than you.”

  “And who’s that?”

  “Ryder, my dog. Don’t get so excited.”

  They were now just outside the cabin. The thunder and lightning had stopped, and the rain had slowed to a gentle patter. The breeze off the firs smelled clean.

  “I just want you to know that you are important. You are central to my life.” Cody felt his breath catch. “I do love you.”

  Matt looked at him, eyes bright. When he drew in a breath, it was shuddering. “Am I so awful, so selfish, for wanting more?” he asked, voice barely rising above a whisper.

  “No,” Cody said. “But I can’t help you. I can’t be something I’m not just to make you happy, no matter how much you want it.” Cody reached out and touched Matt’s cheek.

  There it was. Cody knew Matt needed to either take it or leave it. He could see from the dumbfounded expression on his friend’s face that he had hit home. “Should we go inside?” he asked. He could see some of the people from the crew looking out the windows of the cabin at them.

  “What do we do now?” Matt asked. “How do we get through this?”

  Cody forced himself to smile. “We fake it until we make it.”

  “You’re so glib.”

  “Not at all, man. Not at all.” He took Matt’s hand in his own, squeezing it tight. Matt’s hand fluttered like a bird seeking escape. He held fast. “Come on.”

  They headed, together, toward the front door.

  Chapter 14

  Matt felt like shit. Cody was right, and he knew it. The Bonnie Raitt song reminded him that, no matter what, he couldn’t make his friend love him, not in that way. Another song popped into his head, one that was bubbly and upbeat in spite of its oh-so-sad message: “But Not for Me.”

  Was friendship a consolation prize? Or was it something rare and powerful he should appreciate in its own right? Matt remembered high school, where he was not only the reigning class geek but the class sissy as well. He saw himself sitting in the school library at lunchtime, stomach growling, because he didn’t want to face the prospect of eating lunch alone in the crowded cafeteria, bubbling over with conversation and laughter he was left out of. Or worse, being made fun of. High school had been four years of hell, when Matt had kept his head down, eyes on the linoleum floors, and hoped no one noticed him. If they did, they could hurt him with taunts like “fag” or referring to him as “her.” And sometimes, if they caught him alone on the way home from school, they hurt him with fists.